just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
