I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
