There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
