A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
