I CAN MOONWALK!
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
