I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
don't judge my taste in strippers
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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