you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
