do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I am naked and annoyed.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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