i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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