I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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