His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
