can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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