he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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