I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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