I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
