Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
