She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
