i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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