I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
