Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
