I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
