Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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