i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Are we still banned from the library?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
