Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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