Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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