went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize