I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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