Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
