My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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