I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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