I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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