If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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