Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
