That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
