I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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