Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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