He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
