It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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