You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you mean i was at the winter classic?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
