let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
