My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
