census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
