and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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