I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
