i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
