he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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