he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
