The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
