You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Randomize
