If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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