im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
