I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
