I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
