i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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