your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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