you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
