i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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